Publication
Talking about self-harm
What can family and friends do to help?
Your needs
Self-harm can be extremely stressful, frustrating and anxiety provoking for everyone involved. Get support for yourself if you need it. This can be from your family doctor, other family members or a close friend.
Caring for someone who harms themselves is an exercise in knowing your limitations. No matter how much you care about someone, you cannot force them to behave as you’d prefer them to. Setting ultimatums does not work. Some-times the self-harm is suppressed for a while, but it will inevitably surface again.
Accept your limitations. If you feel rejected by the person you are trying to help, try not to take it personally. Some people need time to decide to trust someone else, particularly if they’ve received a lot of negative responses from people in the past.
Your role
When someone harms themselves, the people around them, whether professionals or families, can express a number of emotional reactions. These emotions range from panic, anger and hopelessness to hate. As a result, people who harm themselves often receive a poor service and little comfort when they look for help and support. Family, friends and workers can experience a number of feelings such as inadequacy, failure or anxiety about how to respond.
People who self-harm are incredibly sensitive to the feelings of those around them. They are able to “pick up on” the frustration, anger and rejection of others. They expect this and are looking for it.
- Maintain an accepting, open attitude about the self-harm. Most people who self-harm have problems with low self-esteem and are disgusted by their own self-harm. Try to make the person feel safe discussing it, and accepted regardless of it. This is not always easy to do: you may find it useful to try not to pay more attention to the self-harm than the healthier things the person does.
- Try not to get angry at the person for the self-harm. Again, this is easier said than done, but getting angry with the person only reinforces the upset and discouragement that the person already feels. Try not to minimise how much distress a person is in, regardless of how small the stressor might seem to you. Try not to use statements like “it’s not that bad” or “you can’t be that upset about it”. Acknowledge that the person is under a lot of stress, and that you are there if there’s anything that you can do to help.
- If you think the person is in immediate risk of self-harm, stay with them until the impulse passes or encourage them not to be alone. Physical contact can sometimes be helpful if the relationship is appropriate and trust is sufficient.