Publication
Talking about eating disorders (reprinted 2010)
Friends and relatives
As a friend or a relative you can do a lot to help someone who is experiencing an eating disorder, although it can be difficult at first to see how, or to feel the person you care about will ever get through this. Your concern for their health may make you want to urge them to seek help and to change their eating. Often, however, this may only make matters worse, and worries about their eating can end up taking over your life as well.
Endless confrontations are exhausting, and will leave your friend or relative with an even lower opinion of themselves and possibly an even greater determination to resist your efforts to help. Try to accept their behaviour -although it may seem senseless and deeply distressing, it has come about for a reason and is their way of coping with life. As far as possible, try to let your friend or relative make their own decisions, painful as this may be for you.
Your role may be to encourage the person to talk more freely about what it is that distresses them to the extent that they react in this way. If they do not wish to confide in you, it is important you let them know you are standing by them. They may be feeling guilty about the pain and distress they are causing you, and not know how to deal with that. Try to be open and honest about your own feelings without getting angry. Encouraging your friend or relative to take up new interests and doing things together with them can help shift the focus away from food. Help them to see what they are good at.
When someone acknowledges they need help, you may be able to assist practically, by finding out about local support groups or other resources in your area. The person may be feeling very vulnerable and threatened at this stage, and need reassurance from you.
In all of this process, try to stand back and allow your friend or relative some breathing space, to make their own choices.
Watching someone close to you act in ways which harm them and disrupt the lives of all concerned is a terrible ordeal. You may feel:
- powerless, as your efforts to help are constantly rebuffed
- angry at the pain and worry caused
- guilty, that in some way you have failed the person and contributed to their current difficulties.
Try not to let your life be dominated entirely by the needs of your friend or relative. It is important to take care of yourself too. Keep up with your own friends and interests. Make sure you find time to do the things you enjoy. You may want to contact a local support group to learn how others cope, and to find an outlet for your own feelings.